anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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