Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
