My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize