i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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