I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's shark week go big or go home
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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