i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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