I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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