yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
