I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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