she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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