how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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