I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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