dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
