I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
pray to the hookup gods
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize