well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
