Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
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