Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
