so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
