no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
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