if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
