Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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