OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
