she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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