He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
