Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
