We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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