I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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