she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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