dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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