I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
