i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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