You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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