I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
