my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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