My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
