I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
