i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
