see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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