woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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