This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
