Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You know, be my cock's hype man.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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