I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
