She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
