your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
