dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize