and my herpes radar will keep us safe
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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