Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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