dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
