I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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