you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
