I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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