My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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