i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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