I like my sex mixed with concussions.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
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