Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Drunk is not a location!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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