I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
