Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
