Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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